Feeling Lost

Lately, I feel like I’m wandering aimlessly. The company’s business is lagging far behind expectations, and now it seems like we’re teetering on the edge of “failure.” I used to worry about not meeting sales targets, but now I’m starting to wonder if the service itself can even survive.

Of course, I’m not the one fully responsible for this service. But that doesn’t mean I can watch it all unfold without feeling any sense of responsibility. If the project I’m involved in fails, I can’t help but ask myself, “What was I even here for?” Is simply surviving with a paycheck enough to justify my time? Honestly, I’m not sure.

Most people seem to think, “As long as I get my paycheck, who cares if the company does well?” I don’t want to criticize that mindset, but I realize more and more that it’s definitely not me.

I genuinely wanted this service to succeed. And seeing my colleagues working hard, I also felt, “I want to be a source of strength for them.”

Doing Your Best

No matter the circumstances, I’ve always tried my best. I’m not saying I’m perfect. But not everyone lives that way, though.  There are those who think, “It’s not going to work anyway, so why bother?” Often, tangible results require a bit of luck. Nevertheless, my belief in “working hard” has never wavered.

When I was young, I struggled with English after immigrating and couldn’t keep up with classes. But I never handed in homework late regardless of its completion rate, and thanks to my diligence, my grades weren’t bad. Saying English was hard might just be an excuse. There were others who immigrated around the same time and achieved better results.

Often, the outcome fell short of my expectations. Perhaps that’s why I grew up learning to accept and make peace with things…

Imbalance of Responsibility

In group projects, I’ve always tried to fulfill my duties. There was one time, though, when I knew so little that I couldn’t contribute at all, and I still feel sorry to the junior who had to pick up my slack.

Like in those group project memes, the real world isn’t much different. There are always those who take on only the easy parts or disappear entirely. My mom used to say, “In a group of ten, it’s always two or three who do all the work.” It’s so true.

But lately, I’ve been thinking that I no longer want to be the one dragging everyone along. Because watching those who didn’t put in the effort share the results is something I just can’t accept.

Equality Dilemma

Equality of opportunity vs. equality of outcome. Equality of outcome might be the ‘easier and safer path.’ But I don’t agree with that path.

I’m not saying you should dedicate your life to the company. The company isn’t mine either. But if you’re someone who has the time, energy, can meet loved ones, take care of family, and enjoy life—passing off the bothersome tasks to me while taking equal credit is something I just can’t stand.

Changing Jobs? Transfer? Or Just Settle?

I’m sure there are those who work harder than I do who have faced the same dilemma. They might have compromised, quit, or, like me, are still pondering.

So, I think about it too. What’s the solution to this dilemma? Transfer? Quit? Change jobs?

In my current company, I wouldn’t have to worry about getting fired for doing nothing for the next two years. But I’m not here to “do nothing.” I want to meet someone’s expectations.

I’ve transferred twice—once early on and recently again. Neither time did the results go as I hoped. So this time, it feels daunting too.

I’m Still Pondering

I’m thinking about a job change, but there’s a high probability the same issues will occur there too. Lazy people, evading responsibility, passing on tasks… Is this a structural problem?

Really… What should I do?

The company isn’t mine. Yet, I want the company to succeed. With such ironic feelings, I sit at my desk today.

People often get what they want by asking for “favors.” I’m not good at asking for favors because I’ve learned there’s no such thing as a favor without strings. So, I choose to help others first. That’s why I don’t ask. But… so many people are selfish.

Is there a place different from this world?

Sometimes I wonder. A place with less selfish people, does such a place exist?

I really don’t know. But today, too, I ask myself, “How should I live from now on?”