Multi-blogging, Starting Again

Recently, I set up three blogs.

• Korean: kr.konayuki.kr
• Japanese: jp.konayuki.kr
• English: en.konayuki.kr

I used to be quite good at this. Web standards weren’t as complicated as they are now, and there was a lot more you could do with your hands. FrontPage, Namo Web Editor, Zeroboard. Uploading files to free web hosting via FTP, tweaking PHP code, chatting with people on mIRC, and even broadcasting radio on Winamp. I definitely had more time back then. In hindsight, I guess other kids were studying during those hours. Haha.

These days, everything is too automated, and I hardly need to get hands-on. It’s convenient, but somehow it feels like I’m not really “handling” it. That’s why it feels harder.

How should I use these blogs now?
Maybe I just want to share my stories and time with more people.
Like the friends I randomly met online as a kid, perhaps this time, there’s someone out there who connects with my heart? The world is vast, and it’s not strange to think there are a few people who match with me.

Work seems busy, but honestly, it’s not that hectic. I often feel clueless about what to do with my free time. So maybe writing and creating something is the right thing to do. I’m preparing for a job change, but these days I don’t really know my own heart.

…Ah, I just wish I had loads of money. For peace of mind, at least.

Memories of Banghak-dong

I suddenly remembered the neighborhood I grew up in and did a little search.
The elementary school I attended, Shinhak Elementary, was also attended by singer Lee Seung-gi and SHINee’s Taemin. I don’t know much about them, but it somehow warms my heart. Sharing a space in our childhood creates a sense of connection.

I occasionally search for videos of Banghak-dong streets on YouTube, and they seem frozen in time, just like before. I left the neighborhood when I was around fourth grade, so I don’t have many memories. Still, names like Yuhwa Kindergarten, Lee Gyeja Pediatrics, World Gym, Dongbuk Elementary, and Seondeok High remain vivid.

There are a few friends’ names I remember, and I even tried searching for them online.

Banghak-dong is said to be one of the cheapest places to live in Seoul nowadays. I’ve heard it’s slated for redevelopment soon. The neighborhood that existed before I was born is now getting ready to be reborn. It’s fascinating, and a little bittersweet.

Back then, my dad commuted from Banghak-dong to Yeoksam. The transportation must have been much less convenient than it is now; I can only imagine how hard it was for him.

Though it’s still difficult to get close to my dad,
as I age, I acknowledge how hard he worked throughout his life.
I’m just a bit regretful about how my life has turned out.

Jonghyun

Thinking of Banghak-dong → Shinhak Elementary → Taemin → SHINee → Jonghyun.
This mental flow led me to suddenly think of Jonghyun, who passed away.

I don’t know much about SHINee or Jonghyun, but I have a few memories.
Taemin appeared in the sitcom ‘Taehee, Hyekyo, Jihyun,’ SM idols are known for their skills, and there have been notably many suicides in the entertainment industry. It seems like a field with many sensitive and emotional people.

I watched a few of Jonghyun’s videos on YouTube. His eyes were not ordinary. Imagining the process that led to his choices might be presumptuous for an outsider.
Yet, reading his will brought back the overwhelming despair I felt at 27.
There was a weight in his words that was too much for one person to bear.

I didn’t know him well, but my heart ached.
Jonghyun, you did well. You really did well. You must have fought many battles none of us could imagine.

I believe I won’t take my own life.
But to borrow from his words,
“I was broken inside for a long time,
and depression slowly ate away at me until it consumed me.”

His words in his will are like that.
No advice or words could transform his pain into joy.
He showed how hollow the phrase “tell me why you’re hurting” can be.
His final words linger in my heart.

“Just tell me I did well. Tell me I worked hard. Even if I can’t smile, please don’t send me off with blame.”

Exercise

Honestly, I’ve been feeling down and stressed out a lot lately too.
Recently, some dear friends from afar visited, and we had a great time, but every meeting is followed by a farewell.
We might meet again someday, but things like this just pass by like any other day now.
I’ve reached an age where I should be used to this, but I still don’t know.

…But honestly, this might just be my excuse for not going to the gym this week. Haha.